10 Secrets to keeping the love strong and your relationship from sinking

I thought I had it all figured out. I created my
future in an imaginary crystal ball, and I was ready
to ride off into the sunset into all my happily-ever-
after, fairytale bliss.
The only problem with all of this is that I typically
shared my unsolicited advice while single, avoiding
love like the plague, or in a terribly toxic
relationship.
I created unrealistic expectations in my mind that
only set me up for one failed relationship after
another, which I immediately justified as “one door
closing so another could open” or promising my
heart that “there are far greater things ahead than
any we leave behind.”
As I’ve continued to grow and develop as a
woman, a writer and a lover, I have learned a few
things about true love and how skewed my
perception of what it meant used to be.

I am fortune enough to be surrounded by so many
amazing (absolutely imperfect) relationships that
have allowed me to piece together a few secrets
that no one (especially the self-righteous, naïve,
advice-soliciting blogger I used to be) would dare
tell you.
1. LOVE IS NOT A FEELING; IT IS A CHOICE
I used to believe that when I found my perfect
love, it would suddenly make everything else in my
life perfect as well. I believed that love conquered
all, and that one day I would meet someone who
would change everything I felt, saw and believed.
This is simply not the way that it works. Being in
love does not mean you won’t have days when
you feel as though the world is ending and your
life is over. Being in love does not mean you won’t
be moody, grouchy, analytical of every detail and
even question aspects of your relationship that
self-affirming blogger girl would tell you marks a
giant red flag.
Choosing to love someone in spite of these fleeting
feelings is a constant, conscious, daily decision.
2. LUST FADES, LOVE STAYS
Butterflies, magic, stardust and rainbows are all
great, but they all go away. Lust is present in the
beginning of nearly all relationships, as it is what
attracts you to someone in the first place.
Before you know it, butterflies in your stomach
become taking care of him after one too many
shots of whiskey, and getting dolled up for a
dinner date becomes good morning kisses while
sipping coffee on the patio with no makeup on. We
are conditioned to believe that the former is better
than the latter, but I believe the opposite.
Lust, chemistry and primal attraction are wonderful
feelings, but they are just that: feelings. Love
remains long after the clock strikes midnight and
the magic fades away. Love is the ability to see
beyond the shell in which someone is contained,
and love them for the qualities they possess that
would still be present if the whole world were
blind.
3. JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T LIKE SOMEONE
DOESN’T MEAN YOU DON’T LOVE THEM
There are going to be times where you don’t really
like your partner very much, but you still love him
or her. In fact, love gives us the ability to see past
all of the many annoying things that someone does
on a daily basis.
Want to know the best part? This also means that
someone loves you enough to put up with you
even when they don’t like you at the moment.
No one is perfect; we all have our moods and our
pet peeves and the things that make us unique.
There will be times when you will look at your
partner and think, “Why in the world do I love this
person so dang much?”
When this question presents itself, stop and think
about your life without him or her, and you will
inevitably discover the answer.
4. LETTING GO OF UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
IS THE HEALTHIEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR
LOVE
This is a really big one for me. I still struggle
sometimes with wanting a storybook romance that
makes all of the fairytales jealous. I set love on
such a pedestal that I don’t think anyone stood a
chance measuring up.
I still believe in love with all of my heart, but I am
learning to accept the fact that I don’t get to
determine the parameters for which love comes
into my life.
It isn’t “settling” to accept the fact that true love
takes work every single day, requires sacrifice and
effort and does not involve finding someone who
can read your mind and make every single one of
your wishes come true.
Letting go of unrealistic expectations I had created
for love allowed me to open my heart up to
imperfect, jagged, pieces of love that filled spaces I
didn’t even know were missing.
5. YOU ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND’S (OR YOUR
SISTER’S/MOM’S/NEIGHBOR’S) RELATIONSHIP
It is human nature to seek advice and consolation
from loved ones when facing both highs and lows,
but it’s imperative to remember that your
relationship is not the same as any of the
relationships around you.
I adopted trust issues after my best friend was
cheated on, became a phone snooper when a
girlfriend snooped and found exactly what she was
looking for and I’ve convinced myself on a coffee
date that all men must be the same.
Relationships have enough problems, struggles
and limitations independently; don’t borrow
problems from those around you. Along the same
lines, everyone around you will always have the
answer/advice/solution no matter what kind of
situation your current relationship is facing.
Take these words of wisdom with a grain of salt.
Follow your heart, but take your head with you,
too. You are not him or her; he or she is not you
and nobody really understands all of the intricate
details of a relationship from the outside.
6. LOVE NEEDS TO BE WATERED IN ORDER TO
GROW
Just as much as loving someone is a choice,
relationships must be watered and nurtured in
order to grow into their purest, fullest, happiest
form. Relationships, like anything else worth
having in life, take work. This does not mean that
you should be bending over backward and causing
riffs in all other aspects of your life in order to
make a relationship work.
Working on a relationship and making a
relationship work are two completely different
concepts. Life is way too short to spend it with
someone you are simply “making it work” with. At
the same time, it’s imperative to remember that
you must protect and nurture your relationship if
you want it to thrive.
Take time to reconnect, show appreciation and
grow together. All too often I see people living
parallel lives; merely coexisting with their
significant other.
While it’s important to continue to grow and
develop individually, it is just as important to grow
together and strengthen the bonds that brought
you together in the first place. The grass is greener
where you water it, and love grows fullest when
watered on a daily basis.
7. DIRTY LAUNDRY DOES NOT BELONG
ANYWHERE OTHER THAN A LAUNDRY BASKET
Social media makes this concept very difficult, as
many people are conditioned to turn directly to a
tweet, status or hashtag to declare their feelings
and emotions at any given moment.
I had a wonderful conversation with an older
couple in which the woman told me that she had a
conversation with her daughter when she was
having marriage issues. “I just don’t get it; you
and dad have never been in a fight in your 40
years of marriage, yet we seem to fight all the
time. What’s your secret?”
The woman replied, “Honey, dad and I fight when
he leaves the milk lid unscrewed, swears in front
of the grandkids and forgets to turn the AC off
before leaving the house. We’ve spent the past 40
years fighting. The secret to our marriage is the
fact that the fight starts and ends exactly where it
belongs: between us.”
I love this concept. Life is not always going to be
rainbows and butterflies, and relationships will
inevitably face rough waters and bumpy roads. A
disagreement between two people is much easier
resolved than a disagreement that involves social
media and screen shots of conversations.
It’s easy to want to declare your emotions and
anger to the world when you are feeling hurt or
vulnerable, but learning to turn to one another and
to work on discovering the root of the problem will
lead to a much more healthy resolve. Plus, it’s no
fun having to defend a mended relationship that
you just got done slandering via social media.
Keep your dirty laundry in your laundry basket and
learn how to sift through it together.
8. SOMETIMES YOU DON’T “JUST KNOW” AND
THAT’S OKAY
This is another concept I continue to struggle
with. I always believed that I would meet someone
and instantly know he was my soul mate. I have
heard people say, “when you are with the right
person, you will know,”more times than I can even
count, and I spent a lot of time letting people pass
me by because I would meet them without having
an instant connection.
I know that part of my heart will always be a
hopeless romantic, and I am okay with that, but I
am also learning that sometimes falling in love
isn’t fireworks and ringing bells and jumping from
airplanes without looking below.
Sometimes love is a quiet wave, slowly kissing the
shore and sneaking back into the vast blue ocean.
Sometimes love is friendship caught fire, a well-
deserved second chance and a resting place for
your heart when you find yourself caught in a
storm. Sometimes love has been right under your
nose all along.
I still believe that when I find my perfect love, I will
“know” in a sense, but I am learning that for
everything I know, there’s a parallel that I don’t
know and that’s okay. Sometimes love isn’t
having everything figured out, but, rather, finding
peace in knowing that you have someone by your
side that you enjoy discovering the answers with.
9. YOUR LIFE IS NOT A MOVIE
There are two outcomes in life: the way we think it
should go and the way it actually ends up going.
Movies, social media, online articles and
Hollywood dramas set a precedence that does not
align with reality in any sense.
When we encounter struggles or hardships, it’s
almost human nature to think of the ultra-romantic
way our significant other SHOULD handle it. Don’t
let your relationship “should all over itself. Your
relationship may not make a very good screenplay,
but life has enough ups and downs and sometimes
a relationship is best when served on solid
ground.
Allow your relationship to grow and develop
without expectations set by others. Keep in mind
that even the most romantic and sexy movies end
(usually in 90 minutes or less). Your relationship
has the potential to be a lifetime of sweet
moments dipped in a heavy dose of reality.
Treating your relationship with movie-worthy
expectations with inevitably result in a not-so-
happy-ending while the credits roll.
10. LOVE TAKES TIME
Last, but certainly not least, please remember this:
love takes time. We live in a world where we want
something, and we want it now. I’ve learned that
the faster something catches fire, the faster it is
likely to burn out.
Be patient with your heart. Be patient with the
hearts around you. If you see potential in someone,
allow it to transpire naturally, without forcing
expectations and timestamps all over it.
Men often take longer than women to open up, and
it can be frustrating to feel like you are progressing
much quicker than your partner. Please remember
that just because someone doesn’t love the SAME
way you do, it doesn’t mean they don’t love with
all that they have.
Patience is a characteristic that I feel many of us
neglect in so many aspects of our lives. It’s
important to not only be patient with our loved
ones’ hearts, but patient with the heart beating
within our own chest.
We have all loved and lost, been hurt and scared,
and we are all choosing to put one foot in front of
the other in an attempt to love again. Be patient
with your feelings, be patient with your emotions
and be patient when giving your love.
Let yourself give love. Let yourself be loved.